Well, actually the second post should have been another one. Oh well, that is going to be post number three then. And it is possible, that I might appear as a thief of idea. If so, please forgive me, it wasn’t my intention and this is more self reflecting.
For some ongoing reasons I would like to write about something, which is deep inside of me, and right now, cooking on the surface. That much, that I actually cannot really concentrate on the real important things in my life, and hell yeah, there is enough stuff, I really should turn my focus to, but I am kind of blocked currently. So I hope, in sharing this with you, it just disappears from the inside and I am free again to get back to the real important things. This is becoming somewhat personal on the one or other part, what I wouldn’t want to. Not sure as well, if it’s a good idea, to share it here, but I guess, I got to take the risk now.
So currently I am in an extreme stage of reorientation. Well, lots of things, I thought they are good in my life, I start to think them over. They are probably not as good as I thought them to be. Everything is on a big trial right now, everything has to be checked from all sides. It’s kind of like when you build a little house of cards. And then, once you are finished with the small, personal details, you notice, it’s not what you imagined it to be. So you have to destroy it again and start the whole thing at zero. Completely.
And in moments like that you get in touch with yourself, way much more than you wish, because it’s especially with your pain and your failing. But, as comfortable as we human beings like it, our first reaction would not be:
“Wow, that pain. Where does it come from? Why is that there now? What part of my life could I heal? “
No, our reaction is: „Oh well, that hurts. No, I will not go there. And if I can’t go round it, I stay sitting here. It’s nice as well this way. Maybe I give it one more try tomorrow. But right now, no, I’m not in the mood today. “
A typical human reaction. We ignore and push it deep down inside of us, as much as we can. And at this point we do have the “fatale and dangerous” internet.
Don’t get me wrong. It is definitely nice, thanks to the internet we can share so many things with each other, we can laugh and cry together. The internet is the virtual connection of the whole wide world. But very easily we do mistake it. Because we do not want to go through the real pain, but we want to live what actually awaits us behind that pain.
Now imagine, you fall in a black hole, you get depressed, in a bad mood. And instead of telling you, how to get up again, somebody gives you some glasses, 3D-glasses. As you wear them, you start to create your life in your imagination. And it feels real, but it is virtual. You do get to know other people on that virtual basis. And you can color your world as you like to. The problem here is that you kind of get “real” reactions to your virtual acts. So you can define yourself the way you want, even as superman or wonder woman. There are people, just as you, they hide from their real life in that virtual one, some more badly, some less. But they are “applauding” you, they think you are cool. “Nice, how you are doing this, awesome, you are so successful… “
I mean, they don’t know you, so you can tell them whatever you like. And there is the one or other naïve one who believes, whatever you are telling. But as fast as they appeared, they can disappear. Suddenly nobody is clapping for you, as it never has been real, it was virtual. And one day you will have to lay down your 3D-Glasses. And guess what you will see. The black hole you are in in your real life. No more colors, no more glamour. Just your life, as it is. Simple, and in your eyes totally not shiny.
But I tell you what, those people living colorfully in their real life, they do exist. They are real, and if you ask them, they will tell you, how they went through their pain instead of ignoring it. They fell down a hundred thousand times. Just as anybody does, but they got up again. And the one hundred thousand and first time they got up, they could jump over to the other side, and live the actual real colors in the real world. And now they are here on the internet, they would like to share their stories with us, you and me, so that we can think over our lives as well. And instead of saying:
„Wow, that’s cool. I want that too. Where is my pain? What do I have to do so that mine will disappear?” we say:
”Oh yeah, I know. I was there as well…I know, what you mean…”
This thing in the internet feigns us that it is possible to make it in such a short time. That everything goes so fast. But everything grows in its time, slow. It did 500 years ago, it does now and it will remain that way in the next 500 years. Our imagination of “faster, higher, better” is just that, our imagination. The grass never started to grow faster just because we wanted it to do so.
The internet is full of people showing up with their “more hype than substance” life, instead of getting rid of the shadows, they are discovering. Well, I got caught up for a while in a kind of suction and I went down for a while. I didn’t do anything against it. This hurt, I am feeling now, it was always there. If it appears to be more painful now, it’s only because it had to make its way up to the surface.
As always, if you try to ignore something, it will do anything to get your attention again. And suddenly it appears to be a huge monster. But the second you focus your attention on it, it will become small and whining again. And then, ugh, so fast, we get through our pain and get to the other side and, wow, the life we imagined virtually, it got real somehow.
How often I fell already, I don’t know, I stopped counting. Probably I should restart counting. As with each new fall I will be happy to get closer and closer to my personal one hundred thousand and first time…
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